July 2022 | Cycles

"You're probably just on your period," he said.

She glared at him with all the hate she could muster. But she knew he was right.

Welcome to the future, it's year twenty ninety-nine

Time brought revolution to the suicide hotline

Familiar existential threats but this is what we do

Quantify the suffering and leave the rest to you

Spreadsheets that respect everyone's self-determination

Modern mathematics against past sterilization

While the trends may tempt you to numerical defiance

Efficiency is easier than ADA compliance

Funny how sometimes I think I can intuitively sense when a large body of water is near. It feels like the sky is suddenly more abundant or something. I’m always granted a certain freedom of spirit when I catch first glimpse of it. When I round the top of the last dune and encounter that line where the two great expanses of sky and water meet, it’s like I didn’t realize I had been breathing all wrong before. By the water I inhale and exhale properly. 

I have often made a sunset trip there with my family, and though many of them blend together, one time stands out as worthy of reflection. 

It was the golden hour. The sand was cooling. The waves caught the falling rays luminously as the children ran toward and away with their eb and flow, screaming and laughing with palpable joy. 

Present among them this evening was my first niece; a bright-eyed pixie of a child, not quite three feet tall and the essence of purest wonder. Eagerness pulsing through her every movement, it was clear by her alternating expressions of astonishment and delight that her experience of the big beautiful world was one of introduction. 

Oh to be there again! Before tedious expectation–the simplest things still ablaze with near magic. Before critical thinking turned to cynicism. Before the first great sorrow. Before the need for hope. Watching the children often causes me to reminisce, tides away. 

We all settled in, finding sandy seats to the show of our life-giving fiery sphere moving closer and closer to the horizon. Covered by the thinnest haze of cloud, we could stare almost directly at the blazing orb and we watched it lower in real time, sinking slowly beyond–first partial, then half, to just a sliver, then in a split second swallowed silently by the water. 

In similar fashion, the color and light drained from my niece’s face, her spark of curiosity replaced by a look borderlining terror. As we burst into glorious raptures, she burst into tears. In our confusion, she escalated to despairing panicked wails. What was the matter? 

The sun was gone. It was gone! Disappeared before her eyes, and she was DEVASTATED. 

My first impulse was to laugh–and maybe I did, I don't remember. But in applying a little imagination, her reaction of dismay and despair were easily comprehensible. This little girl believed she had lost the sun, and that is no laughing matter. 

We all find out sometime that day turns to night. No golden hour stays, the light will fade, the earth grows cold. Staggering and uncontrollable losses are before you. Mean and cruel pains are yet to be inflicted upon you. Night always comes. 

It comes, and what can we do? The sun has slipped beyond the reach of our eyes.

But in this twilight there came an answer. The answer was given to my niece by her mother–the great consolation. It’s coming back! Night may be coming, but morning is coming after that. 

It’s hard for me to think of life as anything but a straight line pushing forward, one big continuous before and after. I’m not sure where I got this idea from either, because hardly anything observed in the natural world operates this way. Everything is cyclical. 

The rain comes down and dries up and comes down again. The air I breathe is taken in by the trees that send it back out to be breathed up again. My body goes through its own monthly cycle, and truly that all of its systems are operating cyclically. Even on a molecular level things are cyclical. 

In this world there are winters. There are droughts. There are heavy rains and hurricanes and tornadoes and blizzards, and it’s all because the whole world is revolving, turning around its axis and simultaneously cycling around the sun. So yes, the leaves on the trees will turn brown and die, the heads of the flowers will wilt and fall down, but after a time new ones will sprout, and it is the death of the old ones that make the renewal possible. 

The sun will rise again.

My stomach is in knots. I feel my heart drop. I know Ruby is coming for a visit and I am not at all excited. A wave of dread pours over me and I start to prepare for the worst.

Ruby arrives like a punch in the gut. She smiles a menacing grin and her fun begins. “Hello! You are more ugly than I remember!” Ruby greets me. I close my eyes and try to ignore her.

“What? I’m just being honest!” Ruby barks. It’s nothing new. She always finds ways to try to tear me down. “Maybe if you were more pretty you would have actually had friends in high school.”

“Why does that matter now?” I questioned. “You always do this to me every time I see you.”

“Okay, I know I can be a bit harsh but you will get over it eventually.” Ruby put an arm around my shoulder and I shook her off. “I know what will cheer you up. What if we go get a bag of M&Ms? No wait! A pizza! Then stop at that ice cream shop and get a scoop of your favorite ice cream with caramel sauce of course.” 

Ugh...Ruby always know how to tempt me. She probably just wants me to get fat so she can tell me how ugly I am.

Ruby continues, “We can sit back, have a slice, and talk about all the ways you dropped the ball in your life; your breakup, your failing career, and we have to talk about all your embarrassing moments. You are so- ”

I cut her off, “Just leave me alone!” I snapped. “I can’t wait for you to go away and I can back on with me life. You are the worst! You come here, spit in my face, and not only that, I have to clean up all your messes! I hate you!”

“Woah, Chill out! I am just doing my job! I know you would miss me if I didn’t show up for a visit. I am just trying to help. I should at least get a thank you.” Ruby said annoyingly.

I glared. Ruby. Can’t live with her and you can’t live without her. “Well, see you next month!” Ruby sang.

‘Round, and ‘round about the lawn again;

You started singing all the old songs.

I hope you never learn the new ones.

‘Round, about the bottom of my heart,

You’ve got it singing out an old song.

You’ve got it feeling like a new one.

And, Oh,

I hope you keep your baby eyes,

I hope you never lose your wonder,

I hope your world retains its luster,

And, Oh,

I hope you always love to play,

I hope you never use your weapons,

Except to break the box you’re put in,

And when you fall I’ll try to catch you but,

Sometimes you will scrape your knee,

And when you’re cold I’ll give you mittens if

I can’t hold you close to me

And when you lose your teeth

I hope you smile big anyway,

And when you learn to run I hope that you

Sometimes choose to stay.

‘Round, and ‘round we go–

We’re hand in hand.

And I will help you to discover,

And you will help me re-discover.

And ’round and ‘round we’ll go again.